


Terrible Parenting

by Sarah1281



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Humor, Random Relationships, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 07:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4737206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to help Earth-born Shepard find her family, Liara makes a rather startling discovery. Really, the Illusive Man could give Miranda's father a run for his money as far as bad parenting goes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terrible Parenting

**Author's Note:**

> For SpeedDemon315.

Shepard was a little surprised that the Illusive Man's image actually appeared on the vid-com. Liara had promised to get her in touch with him after dropping this particular bombshell in her lap and Liara was apparently perfect now and could do anything and so why wouldn't she be able to contact the head of Cerberus? Not that she was rapidly developing Liara issues or anything. Besides, Liara wouldn't even be where she was if she hadn't done most of the work killing the Shadow Broker so there.

Yep, definitely not jealous. Not that Shadow Brokering sounded all that interesting. She liked having all the knowledge but having to keep track of it and run it was not her thing. So that was another reason she wasn't even the littlest bit jealous.

The Illusive Man looked no less surprised than she was. Well of course he didn't. He wasn't the one trying to reach her.

"Shepard? How did you manage to contact me?" The Illusive Man sounded confused. "People never manage to contact me without my permission."

"The Shadow Broker has recently allied with me. He's a big supporter of the war effort," Shepard explained.

Liara was female, of course. Well of course as far as most of the galaxy was concerned. Asari always insisted that just because they all resembled females of other races complete with female parts didn't mean they actually were female when their species had no other gender and they could all reproduce with literally anyone. But somehow or other when she referred to someone she didn't know the gender of as a male no one thought anything of it whereas if she referred to them as a female they thought she must have special insider information and knew for a fact the Shadow Broker was a female. Which was, in fact, the case but Liara didn't want people knowing she was the Shadow Broker. Actually, Shepard wasn't even sure who outside of herself was even aware of that. She kind of expected that everyone on their side did but that was…probably not accurate.

The Illusive Man raised an eyebrow elegantly. "And that translates into allowing you to call me? Allowing you to find me so you could put a stop to my efforts, perhaps, he and I never saw eye to eye. But just to speak with me? That's a little disappointing."

"Well while I do, in fact, need to find you and stop you and will really get on trying to get that information from him, I rather needed to talk to you and that seemed like it was more urgent than that other thing," Shepard said. "But don't tell anybody that I said that! It might seem irresponsible."

The Illusive Man rolled his eyes. "Oh, what is this? Another attempt to convince me not to try and save the galaxy?"

"Is that what you've been hearing when I've been trying to persuade you?" Shepard asked, stunned. "If that's the case I guess that explains why you keep saying no and in that case I'm actually going to have to salute you for resisting not saving the galaxy. But seriously, stop it." '

"I'm…getting a bit of a mixed message here as you appear to have just told me to stop trying to save the galaxy," the Illusive Man said hesitantly.

Shepard nodded. "I did."

"But you also just said that you haven't been telling me to not save the galaxy."

Another nod. "Also true."

"Then please try and explain the contradiction of how you both have and have not been telling me not to save the galaxy," the Illusive Man requested.

"Well obviously I'm in favor of saving the galaxy."

"Obviously," the Illusive Man echoed mockingly.

"But while I acknowledge that you are trying to save the galaxy, you're really bad at it."

"I think I'm doing quite well, actually," the Illusive Man argued.

"You certainly are very good at doing all sorts of crazy shit and killing people who should be on your side but controlling the Reapers is a stupid plan and if you succeed you won't be saving the galaxy," Shepard insisted.

The Illusive Man crossed his arms. "I don't see why not. If I could control them I would just order them to stop killing everyone and, seeing as how I'm controlling them, they would."

"But you can't do that! That's the point!" Shepard exclaimed.

"But you just said that even if I succeed-"

"Well then I shouldn't have said that because you won't," Shepard said. "And at any rate us tearing each other apart only helps the Reapers win."

"You know what they say, Shepard. It takes two sides to fight a war," the Illusive Man said.

"Yeah but the problem with that is that we don't strike back and it's you guys constantly attacking us for little to no discernible reason," Shepard pointed out. "It's not really worth it."

"You could all join Cerberus," the Illusive Man suggested.

Shepard stared at him. "Yeah, not happening. You know that destroying the Reapers is far safer than trying to control them."

"And what did we ever gain by trying to be safe instead of taking risks?" the Illusive Man challenged.

"Well for one thing we didn't get completely wiped out like ever cycle has for countless millions of years. But go ahead, take your 'risk'," Shepard replied. The Illusive Man opened his mouth to respond but she held up a hand. "Anyway, now that I've done my obligatory attempt to persuade you to stop being an idiot-"

"I am not," the Illusive Man said stonily.

"-every time I see you, let's move on to why I really called."

"I'm waiting with baited breath," the Illusive Man said dryly.

"As you know…well, it's always kind of awkward when I tell you something that I already know that you know and telling you that I know that you know it doesn't even make it less awkward but I sort of feel like I have to lead into it nonetheless," Shepard said a little confusedly.

"I'm sure I can handle a little awkwardness," the Illusive Man said. "Especially if it allows you to come to the point."

"I appreciate you not hanging up on me, by the way," Shepard told him.

"You could call back," the Illusive Man replied.

"I probably won't, though. I am pretty busy. But anyway, as you know I'm from Earth. I never really knew my parents and was a part of the not particularly anti-alien at the time Tenth Street Reds. I still can't believe I was in a gang and that was actually my life. It's just so far from where I am now. Thankfully I left the planet and never looked back and all the people who are like 'you can't just leave a gang' can take it up with my gun."

"Yes, I know of your history."

"Liara decided that it was very sad I didn't know who my parents were or something even though I really couldn't care less. I guess it was because of how sad she was to have been estranged from one mother for so long and how pleased she was to meet her other one," Shepard said thoughtfully. "So she found some time and decided to run my DNA with all the human DNA she could get her hands on."

"It sounds a bit unlikely she'd be able to find your family," the Illusive Man told her.

"See, that's what I said after I tried and failed to get her to understand why I found the whole thing creepy!" Shepard exclaimed. "But then I kind of got over what she did when I found out that she found my father. No word on my mother but after this I think I want to know even less than I did before. Which honestly wasn't a lot. Seriously not interested, remember?"

"And your father would be someone I would know?" the Illusive Man asked.

"I'm saying that I have the DNA test to prove that you're my father and if you'd like I can send you a copy and no I have no idea where she even got it," Shepard told him.

The Illusive Man blinked at her. "I beg your pardon?"

"You are my father," Shepard repeated. "I don't know how you could have possibly missed that when you were bringing me back to life for two years."

"First of all, I'm going to need a copy of that DNA test before I accept that," the Illusive Man said.

Shepard nodded. "Understandable. I'll get on it right after we hang up."

"And even assuming that is true, I don't have my own DNA pattern memorized. I can't automatically recognize a DNA pattern similar to mine. And I had little to do with Project Lazarus aside from listening to updates and giving them what they needed. I didn't spend a lot of time staring at your DNA either," the Illusive Man told her.

"Do you have any idea who my mother was?" Shepard asked.

"Have you tried somebody named Shepard?"

"I'm just saying, I wasn't born yet and she didn't really stick around but you actually slept with her so you should at least know what she looked like," Shepard said.

"Since the two of us don't look all that alike she probably looks like you," the Illusive Man said. "Shepard, you're thirty-two years old. I would have had sex with your mother thirty-three years ago. That was before the First Contact War. How could I possibly have remembered that?"

Shepard sighed. "I guess hoping you two had a relationship or something that you'd remember was a bit…optimistic."

The Illusive Man chuckled. "Just a bit."

"You're kind of a terrible father," Shepard accused.

The Illusive Man drew back. He didn't particularly like being accused of being terrible at anything. "How am I am a terrible father?"

"The absence of any good fathering, for one."

"I had no idea I was your father and thus under any obligation to act as one," the Illusive Man protested. "And I'm still only accepting that as true without proof because it's a very weird thing to lie about since I'm not going to change my behavior towards you in the slightest or give you anything if it's true. And I will only accept it is true until the end of this conversation anyway until I receive some actual proof."

"Anderson is definitely not my father and he was a great father figure," Shepard said.

The Illusive Man crossed his arms again. "That's nice for him."

"And then there's the fact that you keep trying to have me killed."

"You keep getting in the way of my attempts to save the galaxy. What kind of person would I be if I let any sort of familial attachment prevent me from saving the galaxy? It might sound good to say 'I would literally never try to kill my daughter' but if you take that to its logical conclusion you are a monster for allowing the galaxy to be destroyed and billions upon billions of people to die, including said daughter?" the Illusive Man challenged.

"I hardly think that not killing me will lead to that!" Shepard huffed.

"Perhaps, perhaps no t. You do have a great deal of influence but are tragically misguided."

" 'Misguided' in that my way will definitely work and your way could theoretically possibly work but seriously don't hold your breath," Shepard said. "And somehow taking things to its logical conclusion isn't always that logical when it all ends in death."

"I disagree. Everything ends in death. You go out on a nice picnic and at some point somebody is going to die," the Illusive Man pointed out.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Well, sure, if you're going to be all depressing and fatalistic. But regardless of your reasoning – and me killing the Reapers will not destroy us – trying to kill me is terrible fathering."

"I'm pretty sure you mean 'parenting'," the Illusive Man corrected.

Shepard tilted her head. "Do I, though? Do I really?"

The Illusive Man raised his chin and looked tragically noble. "I would rather be remembered as a terrible father who was willing to do what he had to do to save the galaxy then as a good father who was willing to let the galaxy burn."

"And…don't you feel like there might be some wiggle room in between there? Like maybe you don't have to have me killed or let the Reapers in?" Shepard asked hopefully.

The Illusive Man shook his head. "I'm sorry, Shepard, but you just won't stay out of my way."

"I just feel like you're trying to kill me as it's convenient," Shepard complained.

"Well then allow me to set your mind at ease," the Illusive Man said calmly. "There is literally nothing that is convenient about trying to kill you."

"I…thanks?" Shepard said uncertainly. "You also lied to me about knowing where all my friends were after you brought me back to life."

"Which should certainly earn me points as good parenting," the Illusive Man said. "Most fathers can't say they can do that for their daughters even if that was because we needed you to fight the Collectors. And I didn't let Miranda put a behavior modifier in your head for all it would be useful to me now though, again, sentiment had little to do with it."

"You are really making a strong case here," Shepard said sarcastically.

"Your friends were all highly compromised. Kaiden Alenko was with the Alliance and you saw his reaction to finding out you were with Cerberus. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya was with the Migrant Fleet and they had an especial distrust of Cerberus. The fact she was willing to work with you anyway was completely unexpected and could not be counted on. No one was really available to join you and you would have wanted to track them all down instead of completing your mission."

"But you sent me after Garrus when you knew he was Garrus and didn't tell me!" Shepard protested. "Even if I bought your rationale, and it's true that everybody hates Cerberus, that doesn't explain why you didn't mention that to me?"

"You found out soon enough on your own."

"That's…not actually a real answer…" Shepard told him. "You just have a secret fetish, don't you?"

The look that he gave her at that made it clear he wasn't even going to dignify that with a response.

"But what about all those times you sent me into ambushes?" Shepard demanded. "I mean, presumably you wanted me to survive those as I hadn't made it to the Omega 4 relay but it was still a terrible thing to do to someone, let alone your own daughter."

"I already explained that to you," the Illusive Man said. "You had to seem surprised."

"I could have died. You don't think that maybe trying to give us some acting lessons and learn how to feign surprise wouldn't have been more practical?" Shepard asked. "Besides, I don't make a habit of emoting in a battlefield so I doubt I looked all that shocked anyway nor did my team."

"Well I can hardly change it now," the Illusive Man pointed out.

"But it was a terrible thing to do then."

"But let me ask you this: does all of the negative things I have done and will continue to do to you really have the same weight as the fact that I spent an obscene amount of money bringing you back to life when conventional wisdom said it couldn't be done?" the Illusive Man challenged.

Shepard opened her mouth to respond a few times but then closed it each time. "No," she finally admitted. "But we're all lucky I wasn't some sort of Frankenstein."

"I think you'll find that actually Frankenstein would be myself or Miranda in this scenario and you would be our monster," the Illusive Man corrected.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't want to be any of those people."

"Me being your father…I hadn't thought of having children, Shepard," the Illusive Man said thoughtfully. "And certainly over the past few decades I've been careful not to. A man in my position doesn't need such complications."

"That's what I am," Shepard said sourly. "A complication."

"I wasn't always so careful as I am now. I haven't always needed to be," the Illusive Man said shortly. "But I do think that if I were going to have a child then I may as well have one that is smart, capable, and determined to protect the galaxy."

"Even if I'm ultimately misguided and just going to get everybody killed in the end?" Shepard asked sarcastically.

The Illusive Man shrugged. "Nobody is perfect and you did save the galaxy when nobody else could from first Sovereign and then the Collectors. While they may have just been targeting humanity, they were building another Reaper and nobody wanted that."

"Coming from you, that's practically an 'I love you'," Shepard noted.

"What it is is my acknowledgement that I really could have done worse with offspring and my assurance that – should you care about such things – my attempts to kill you are not out of any personal dislike on my part," the Illusive Man told her.

"That was honestly more than I was expecting to get," Shepard admitted. "Thank you. But please do stop trying to kill me."

"You know I can't do that," the Illusive Man said. "And remember to send me that confirmation that we are, in fact, related. I should have your DNA still on file but I want your results as well."

"That's not creepy at all," Shepard muttered. "You know I met a clone of me not long ago?"

"Really?" the Illusive Man said, unsurprised. "What happened?"

Shepard coughed. "She died. It was very sad."

"That's exactly how I would have handled the situation once I determined that my clone couldn't be trusted," the Illusive Man said approvingly. "And with Hope Lillium in charge of her she couldn't be."

Shepard raised her hands defensively. "No, you don't understand. I had nothing to do with that! Really!"

"Of course not," the Illusive Man said indulgently.

"Even if she did freak me out and I sort of wanted to shoot my friends for making jokes about there being two Shepards when I was clearly having a crisis there and then Miranda made it worse by pointing out that I had no way of knowing that I myself wasn't another clone replaced after my 'death'," Shepard complained. "Really, she should know even if I don't since she was heading up Project Lazarus and surely she'd notice if I went from severely injured or whatever to perfectly healthy. She was just being mean."

"I don't know if this will set your mind at all at ease but I wanted the most authentic Shepard I could get," the Illusive Man said.

"Which could have only been a clone if I were too far gone," Shepard translated. "Great. Just great. But the clone wasn't really me. She looked and sounded like me but she didn't seem to have all my memories. 'Maya Brooks' was all annoyed because I didn't stick to exclusively saving humans and leaving everyone else to rot and so decided, the one time that might actually pay off since people like me and Earth needs them, to replace me with a xenophobe and burn all those bridges. I don't think she's indoctrinated but she might as well have been. What an idiot."

"Yes, in the unlikely event that I fail or cannot act quickly enough I would prefer that the aliens you have bled for defend our people," the Illusive Man agreed. "And that war you are waging is a good way to buy time while I complete my own research."

Shepard stared at him. "Then why are you attacking us? That just makes us less able to buy you time."

"I am ever mindful of that and only attack when I have something to gain from it," the Illusive Man claimed.

"You know, I really liked you before you went all crazy," Shepard said wistfully. "In light of recent events, perhaps I shouldn't mention just how much." She was never ever going to mention that to anyone and hope those who knew forgot.

The Illusive Man frowned at that. "I can assure you that I'm as sane as I ever was."

"Sure you do but as the person whose sanity is in question I can't very well take your word for it, can I?" Shepard asked rhetorically. "Like how Liara can't objectively tell me that she's not gotten at all creepy since...that thing. Or how I can't be a fair judge of whether or not I am too trusting and keep giving everyone infinite chances when they insist that they're sorry or it wasn't their fault the Reapers turned them evil. Multiple times."

"I…don't know the details but I think I would side with your accusers on this one," the Illusive Man said slowly.

"Well your mental state is up for discussion so I don't have to listen to you about that," Shepard said, crossing her arms. "And the stupidest part was when Maya Brooks had us trapped in some special government vault and replaced my fingerprints with the clone's and hoped that nobody would ever notice or that such changes wouldn't be logged somewhere. I mean, it was almost embarrassing how bad her plan was."

"But surely that would be a good thing so you could foil it," the Illusive Man said.

"I guess but you wouldn't believe how many people are still giving me shit over that French sushi thing," Shepard grumbled. "And now I'm definitely getting too comfortable chatting with the indoctrinated guy who is out to kill me so I should go. Remember, fight the Reapers. We need to destroy them and not try to control them. Teamwork yay."

"I'm not indoctrinated."

"I believe that you believe that," Shepard said somewhat condescendingly. "But you just spend too much time around Reaper technology and are doing too much to damage the war effort. It's irreversible, too."

"You spend more time around Reaper technology than anyone," the Illusive Man accused. "Why aren't you indoctrinated?"

Shepard shrugged. "I haven't the slightest clue. The Prothean beacon altering my mind, perhaps? Maybe towards the end they found a way around that. Maybe I am. But actually trying to destroy them doesn't seem to me like something an indoctrinated person would do. If I were indoctrinated I guess it would seem that way, wouldn't it? But either way, remember that the minute you let them talk you into 'modifying' you or actually try to prevent us from actually killing any Reapers you know you're gone."

The Illusive Man looked highly offended. "I would never!"

"All I'm saying is, that's what Saren said." With that, Shepard smiled sadly and disconnected the call.


End file.
